I'm afraid of being the oldest one in the program. I know this sounds silly since I am only 23, but most of these kids are 18. I keep reading radical journey blogs from past team members and they're all 18 yrs old. I'm afraid of what me being the oldest means- does it mean I'm late doing this kind of work? Does it mean I will have to be the responsible mother figure? Does this mean my career should have already started by now? Am I supposed to be settled down with a family and home? I'm terrified that I won't fit in because I may possibly be 5 yrs older than everyone else and I don't know what to talk about with them. I don't know anything about the Jonas Brothers or iCarly!! Heck, the only 18 yrs olds I have any connection with are the ones I teach at youth group every Sunday.
I'm afraid of the stuff I'll be doing in England. Will I hate it? Or worse, like it? What if I can't stand it and this year is one mistake I can't wait to see the end of. Or what if I do like it or even love it. I'll have to leave and it will be one more finite thing in my life. Or what if it screws up all the things I think I want now, but then I think what if that's a good thing... Either way I'm scared of what this means spiritually; do I care more about what I want, and less about what God wants?
I'm afraid of leaving this great job with Christ Church. I'm enjoying life right now. I like being back home. I like working with people I love, doing something I love. I love South Florida (even with this heat...) And as much as I complain about America I will miss the comfort of knowing I live where I was born. What if I never find a job like this again? Or what if I should really be here and not in England and I am making a mistake by leaving...
I'm afraid of being away from home for so long. I'm afraid of not being near my mom and dad. I don't like the fact that I won't see my mom every day, or hug buster every morning.
I'd like to keep this dialogue in my head, but then truth is I am weak, or feel weak. As Jars of Clay likes to sing, I cover my fatal cut. Yet, O' God you comfort me. I call and you hear.
Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while
And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down
And this is all that I can say right now
i know it's not much
And this is all that I can give
yeah that's my everything
I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet
"Even if the way goes through Death Valley, I'm not afraid when you walk by my side."
-Psalm 23:4
Strength will rise as I wait upon the Lord!
i think it is completely normal that youre feeling this way, but remember that God has you in His hands. He's has been with you this far, He will be with you the whole time there too.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to miss you like crazy and I know being away from friends and family will be tough, but I think in the end you will feel so much stronger for it. this is your calling.
so take a deep breath, say a prayer, and remember we all love you, are praying for you, and are proud of you for making such a big and bold move. i think this next chapter is going to bring you closer to God than ever before and I cant wait to see what else He does in your life.
I love you more than you know
-your sister, always!
Leigh, I love the fact that you are vulnerable and brave enough to begin this journey and to also question your journeying. You have been called to walk this journey and you have our prayers behind you. But you see you are already living in the mission field, by working with your youth groups. You are going to love following His path and when you are confused or lonely or anxious, just remembered you are HIS and He will support you. Go with our blessings, Leigh.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Barbara Driscoll
@ barbra: thanks barabra =) because other people are xcited for me it has lessened some of the anxiety I have. I really appreciate all the prayers, and I know they will work themselves out in england.
ReplyDelete@ kellie: thanks kelbel. I'm gonna miss you crazy too, and I can't tell you how grateful I am for always supporting, especiallyw hen its been really hard to do...
ReplyDelete